But I had a plan!

"But I should not be dealing with this right now..." "This is not how it was supposed to be..."

"But if I wait that means it will be so much longer until..." Sometimes grief can seem to be all about timelines. The timeline of how you thought things would go, the plans you had made with the person you are missing, and how you saw your life unfolding Make no mistake, being off the timeline you "should" be on, is hard. It is more than hard actually. It is gut wrenching. It is demoralizing and it only serves to drive home the feeling that you are not in control. Other people seem to get to be in control of their lives, they do not suffer the same losses that come along and obliterate their plans, but here you are, off your timeline and you feel alone in it. (It is okay to be a little bitter about it.) The reality is, you are grieving the loss of the timeline you had built in your mind when your person was alive. You are grieving the loss of control that you cannot force the timeline to change. And you are grappling with the bargaining of "what if I just..." So what can you do? You can grieve it. You can grieve that you now know you do not have control. You can grieve the fact that you are not on the timeline you dreamed you should be on right now. Set down that heavy expectation of what "should" or "could" be and allow yourself to feel your grief. Maybe it is time to give yourself and your grief a little bit of grace. A little bit of time to process that all the plans you made, and the dreams you had look different now in the face of your loss. And that hurts. Remember that you are safe in grief, it is a feeling that shows you that are processing and incorporating your loss. Take the pressure off yourself to know the answers right now, all this angst is not going to get you to where you want to be. You do not need to have a plan right now. As let's face it, you know the truth about plans now. They are just another timeline. And remember, it won't always feel like this. It feels like this today, tomorrow is a new day and you are doing wonderfully. --Melissa